Mama Mondays | My Adoption Journey

Mama Mondays | My Adoption Journey 

Debra Klein

So, I had my life all planned out. I’d meet the perfect guy in my early twenties. We would have a storybook romance and marry when I was age twenty-five. By age twenty-eight, I’d be pregnant with my first child. I planned to adopt my second child when I was in my thirties.

Well, anyone reading this who is over thirty, and especially if they are over thirty-five, knows that our childhood fantasies don’t always happen exactly as planned. However, in my case, I couldn’t be happier with the way things turned out.

After getting married (let’s just say “later in life”), we immediately tried to get pregnant. With the stress of my husband’s dying mother and knowing he was the only child, in a family of four, who was taking on the responsibility of care for his elderly parents, we were not able to get pregnant naturally. We tried In Vitro four times, but were not successful. We had Grade A embryos so there was no reason why we could not conceive in that manner. I decided after the fourth round of In Vitro that I was not willing to go through that again. I had never taken a drug (prescription or otherwise) until we did In Vitro and I could see what it was doing to my body. I didn’t have faith that my situation would change in regards to the stress I was under and I knew that I desperately wanted a family. I realized that I needed to revise my “plan” and start with adoption.

As I write this, it is now September 2015, and I have two beautiful adopted children; a boy who is nineteen months old and a baby girl who is three weeks old. They are totally different and wonderful in every way. Motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I exude happiness and gratitude every day for what God had given me. The road to find these beautiful children and their amazing birthmothers (aka “first mothers”) was quite challenging and the conception of the relationship I have with their first mothers can be difficult to understand if you are not familiar with adoption.

I have what is called an “Open Adoption” with both of my children’s first mothers. It is important to know that this is not a legally binding relationship, but it is something that has become more popular in recent years. I felt that it was important to me that my children always know their true origins and identity. In my opinion, they have nothing to be ashamed of and neither do I. Their mothers are great women who, for very different reasons, were not in the position to parent them at the time. Both made courageous decisions to put the interests of their unborn babies first and I will be forever grateful for their selflessness. Open adoption relationships can vary across the spectrum. One couple may agree to send pictures a few times a year and another may text, call, send pictures and even include visitation. I’ve even heard of couples that live close by that celebrate holidays together. The birthmother/first mother can often become part of your extended family. In my case, I text both of my children’s birthmothers when my kids do something cute, cross a milestone that I want to share, special occasions (whether it be an occasion for my/their child or the birthmother’s birthday, etc.). I feel it’s mutually beneficial relationship. I want my kids to know their true genetics and understand that their first mother’s loved them and did not abandon them. They simply chose to give them a better life then they were able to provide at the time. Statistics show that

adopted kids who know they were adopted are often the most confident kids on the playground. It’s also great to be able to quickly text their birthmother if I have a medical question regarding their family history as it relates to my kids. My son’s birthmother is a teenager and I cherish her and view her as if she was an older daughter of mine. She and her mother (who was adopted herself) send Brayden birthday and Christmas presents every year. I send his birthmother presents on those occasions as well. I may even invite her to come out for high school graduation next year to go to Disneyland with us for the first time. My daughter’s birthmother is older and has two former children. She doesn’t want as open of an adoption as my son’s birthmother, but she has asked for pictures several times a year and she has texted me about once a week since we took our daughter home to California. We’ve texted quite a bit since we took her from the hospital and she attended our first Doctor’s checkup while we were still in New York (where our daughter was born).

The old school way of thinking was to keep adoptions closed. There was a fear that the birthmother could change her mind and take your child away from you. If you follow the adoption laws of both states, that will NEVER be an issue. Every state has different rules regarding relinquishing parent’s rights. In both of our adoptions, we covered our bases (even staying in the child’s birth state for two weeks for our first adoption) so that the relinquishments were final. If you follow the laws and use a good adoption attorney, there should never be a fear that you could lose your child. The media tends to hype the rare stories where laws weren’t followed and adoptive parents lost their children. Please know, this RARELY happens and it would probably only happen if you didn’t utilize the proper channels and cover both state’s set of laws.

The bonding process with an adoption is much different then a traditional pregnancy. When you adopt a baby, you don’t have the priviledge of having nine months to bond with your baby. In my son’s case, I was called on the day he was born, flew out to Mississippi the next day, and was able to take my son from the hospital the day after. I remember changing his diaper and feeling as if I was looking at something I shouldn’t be looking at! How strange! This was my son...my baby...and yet, I felt like we were strangers. As in any quality relationship, the more time I spent with him, the more we bonded and felt comfortable with each other. I assume this must be/feel much different when you actually give birth. I knew my daughter’s birthmother for five months before she was born. However, due to everything I’d been through (three failed adoptions, a corrupt adoption attorney, a corrupt birthmother, etc), I didn’t truly allow myself to bond with her and I wouldn’t allow myself to believe that the adoption would really go through....until it went through. So, the bonding process was similar to the one I experienced with my son.

If you are adopting a second child, this is also a different process. Again, with a traditional pregnancy, you have nine months to decorate your nursery, prepare your child for the arrival of their sister or brother, etc. When you adopt a child, there is, at best, a fifty percent chance that your adoption will prevail. Because of this, we chose not to tell our son until our daughter’s birthmother had signed the paperwork and we had her safely in our arms and out of the hospital. Since we were in New York with our new

baby, we wanted to give him a little time to digest the situation, so we gave our nanny permission to tell him that he was going to have a new little baby sister. We had a few face time calls where we showed him the new baby and our nanny even taught him how to say her name! We allowed him to stay up late the night we flew back to California so he could meet his new little sister. He was so excited! They decorated the house for our arrival and he couldn’t wait to kiss her! It’s been three weeks now, since we’ve been home and our son wakes up every single day and looks around the house for his sister saying “baby, baby, baby”. When he finds her, he leans into her bassinet and kisses her. He does the same thing every time he comes back from the park or the beach...bypassing me in the process! He truly loves her and dotes on her even at this young age. My sister and I had intense sibling rivalry so I was very aware of that possibility. I’ve made every effort to give Brayden the same attention, if not more, that I gave him prior to bringing his sister home and I include him in everyday activities like changing her diaper, giving her a bath, etc. He’s become my little helper and he loves his new role in the family. I think as moms, we feel the need to prepare our kids for everything. It’s possible that it’s just Brayden’s age that allowed him to adjust and actually thrive in the situation so quickly, but it may also be that we put more pressure on ourselves then need be. If your kids are well adjusted and you handle any changes with love and a secure environment, your kids will do great.

Adoption has been the greatest journey of my life. We went through every emotion in the spectrum..hope, confidence, desperation, defeat, depression, anger, and finally pure joy! Because of the rollercoaster of emotions we experienced during this process, we truly appreciate these children with all of our hearts. Every night, my husband and I look at our little ones and then we look at ourselves and marvel at how far we’ve come and how grateful we are that we were given the opportunity to love and cherish these beautiful babies. The most common thing we hear from friends and acquaintances is “They (the babies) are so lucky”. We always tell them that WE are the lucky ones:) 

-Debra

XOXO