So after a much needed break from the Blogger World I am back. Now I am sure many of you (that is if anyone even reads this) are wondering where the heck I have been. Well heres the situation...I am just going to rip off the bandaid here people. I was going though some postpartum anxiety and depression. Wow, that made it really real.
When O was about 4 months old I realized something just wasn't right. Have you ever been on the road at night when it's dark and you notice everything is pitch black and you can't really see where you're going until you finally realized "crap I have no headlights on?" That's kind of the feeling I've had since O was born I knew things weren't a hundred percent OK by the time she was about three months. I had the baby blues with my older daughter and after a few weeks it went away. Thinking it had a lot to do with the fact that I was sleep deprived and new mom but I was OK. This time around everything was so much different. I remember thinking "I shouldn't be this angry you're in the middle of one of the most joyous times in your life" and yet all I wanted to cry. I've never dealt with depression before but I knew I was off, and having gone to therapy since I was little because of my parents divorce I knew it was time to seek some help.
By the time I was four months postpartum O stopped sleeping through the night. When she would wake we were unable to soothe her screaming (nothing worked). On top of that she had stopped nursing, she gave up on me cold turkey so I was exclusively pumping for weeks which is oh so much fun (insert eye roll here). So not only was I getting little to no sleep, but I was grieving the loss of this bond I so desperately wanted. Then I noticed I was getting short tempered with my husband and with my three-year-old, which would turn into an overwhelming feeling of guilt that I was the shittiest mom on the planet. I wasn't OK. Nothing was OK. I lied to myself and and to others on how I was doing. They'd ask how the girls were and how we were adjusting and I'd say "Great C loves O so much and she is such a great helper" but what I was really thinking was "I want to run away, this baby won't sleep and I can't catch a break, it all hurts and I can't stop crying" Everything was spiraling out of control I felt scared and unsure of what was going on and I couldn't understand why I couldn't shake this funk I was in.
Once I finally saw someone for what I now know was postpartum depression and anxiety I started feeling so much better. I talked about my fears, things I had been going through, I've been feeling anger, sadness, and loneliness, soul crushing guilt. By letting it all out I finally felt relief a sense of freedom finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I turned my headlights on. I've been going now once a week with no plans to stop. It's been one of the best things for me.
At the time I started talking to someone I realized that I needed to take a break from blogging. I needed to take a break from anything that wasn't helping. It's not that I don't love blogging and or that I don't love sharing, but I just knew I needed to give my mind a break. I have sat down to write this post more times than I can count. Not really knowing what to say, not really knowing how I'd be judged, and not really knowing how anyone would react. Then I watched a documentary a few weeks ago it was amazing and eye-opening and I realized that by sharing my story and everything I've gone through over the past few months maybe I can help another mom out there who doesn't realize that this can be helped. You can fix it and you can overcome it! This isn't your new normal! This too shall pass. Seeking help and knowing somethings off is the first start. 1 in 7 women suffer from some form of postpartum anxiety or depression. Lets be there for each other. Lets share our stories! Lets normalize the issues. We could all use more shoulders to lean on. We are better moms when we take care of ourselves.
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