Driving without headlights

So after a much needed break from the Blogger World I am back. Now I am sure many of you (that is if anyone even reads this) are wondering where the heck I have been. Well heres the situation...I am just going to rip off the bandaid here people. I was going though some postpartum anxiety and depression. Wow, that made it really real.

When O was about 4 months old I realized something just wasn't right. Have you ever been on the road at night when it's dark and you notice everything is pitch black and you can't really see where you're going until you finally realized "crap I have no headlights on?" That's kind of the feeling I've had since O was born I knew things weren't a hundred percent OK by the time she was about three months. I had the baby blues with my older daughter and after a few weeks it went away. Thinking it had a lot to do with the fact that I was sleep deprived and new mom but I was OK. This time around everything was so much different. I remember thinking "I shouldn't be this angry you're in the middle of one of the most joyous times in your life" and yet all I wanted to cry. I've never dealt with depression before but I knew I was off, and having gone to therapy since I was little because of my parents divorce I knew it was time to seek some help.

By the time I was four months postpartum O stopped sleeping through the night. When she would wake we were unable to soothe her screaming (nothing worked). On top of that she had stopped nursing, she gave up on me cold turkey so I was exclusively pumping for weeks which is oh so much fun (insert eye roll here). So not only was I getting little to no sleep, but I was grieving the loss of this bond I so desperately wanted. Then I noticed I was getting short tempered with my husband and with my three-year-old, which would turn into an overwhelming feeling of guilt that I was the shittiest mom on the planet.  I wasn't OK. Nothing was OK. I lied to myself and and to others on how I was doing. They'd ask how the girls were and how we were adjusting and I'd say "Great C loves O so much and she is such a great helper" but what I was really thinking was "I want to run away, this baby won't sleep and I can't catch a break, it all hurts and I can't stop crying" Everything was spiraling out of control I felt scared and unsure of what was going on and I couldn't understand why I couldn't shake this funk I was in.

Once I finally saw someone for what I now know was postpartum depression and anxiety I started feeling so much better. I talked about my fears, things I had been going through, I've been feeling anger, sadness, and loneliness, soul crushing guilt. By letting it all out I finally felt relief a sense of freedom finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I turned my headlights on. I've been going now once a week with no plans to stop. It's been one of the best things for me. 

At the time I started talking to someone I realized that I needed to take a break from blogging. I needed to take a break from anything that wasn't helping. It's not that I don't love blogging and or that I don't love sharing, but I just knew I needed to give my mind a break. I have sat down to write this post more times than I can count. Not really knowing what to say, not really knowing how I'd be judged, and not really knowing how anyone would react. Then I watched a documentary a few weeks ago it was amazing and eye-opening and I realized that by sharing my story and everything I've gone through over the past few months maybe I can help another mom out there who doesn't realize that this can be helped. You can fix it and you can overcome it! This isn't your new normal! This too shall pass. Seeking help and knowing somethings off is the first start. 1 in 7 women suffer from some form of postpartum anxiety or depression. Lets be there for each other. Lets share our stories! Lets normalize the issues. We could all use more shoulders to lean on. We are better moms when we take care of ourselves.  

Hollins Party of 4!

Well I am back, after a few week break from blogging I am back at it albeit with a newborn on my lap in bed with pjs on but still back! On July 21st our lives changed forever we welcomed our sweet little O into the world at 8:02 am weighing 8 lbs 2 ozs and 21 inches long. I had a scheduled C section, for medical reasons and delivered her at 39 weeks to the day. Leading up to her delivery I was on fetal monitoring twice a week, her movement was't very strong the last few weeks, my blood pressure was a little high and my swelling was a little out of control so we opted rather to be safe then sorry. With all that being said I was very happy to have made it to her scheduled date! Going into surgery awake is such a surreal experience, I had an emergency C section with C so this time around was even more surreal, I walked into the OR lol. All and all it was a very easy experience my OB had music going and we chatted the whole time, mainly her making jokes that we need to have one more baby haha. O had some fluid in her lungs when she was born and her breathing wasn't quite right, so I got my golden hour but after that she was swept away into monitoring for almost 5 hours with daddy by her side. It was really hard having her taken so early but I was getting pictures and video of her from Steve the whole time. My milk took a while to come in and we had some weight gain issues in the beginning, but It looks like we are back on track now. We have another appointment with the pediatrician on Thursday and I am eager to see how much our little jelly bean weights. 

We have been in pure baby heaven, C is absolutely in love with her baby sister and wants to help me with everything she can. It is the most adorable thing to watch we love seeing how sweet she is to her sister she loves to come up to her and go "mommy she's so beautiful and tiny" melts my heart every time.  Since we have been home we have constant help first from my mom for 2 weeks then my in-laws for a week. Now we are officially alone as a family of four and adjusting well I think although its been 12 hours :-)

Family of 4! 

2 Weeks with 2 kiddos I can't believe it, Love our girls so much. 

Well thats all for a quick check in for now, I am back to dirty diapers, spit up and nursing. 

XOXO 

5 Real Truths about Baby Number 2

Hi all! So as the time comes closer and closer to meeting our sweet girl I have had a swirling emotions running though me. Of course I know I am not alone when I say so many things come into play when you decide to expand your family. So thought I would write it all out here so any other mamas feeling like this know you're not alone.

1) How is C really going to react? We have done all we could to "prepare" her for her upcoming bomb thats about to hit her life, but I keep wondering how is she really going to take it? Truth be told this kid is very sensitive and in tune with her emotions, I just hope we have built up her emotional vocabulary enough for her to tell me if she's ok. Her world as she knows it is about to basically explode and I worry that she'll have a hard time or feel displaced. Of course we plan to do everything in our power to help, but we can't make it perfect.

2) My baby isn't the baby anymore. Sure I know she's a big kid, but truth is she'll always be my baby. She's the one that made me a mommy and now with her becoming a big sister it makes her more  grown up then ever. Her vocabulary is AMAZING and I forget all the time that she's just TWO! She understands so much and we can have full on conversations and talk almost like friends. I know she will need me in other ways as time goes on, but it's bittersweet to think this is yet anther stage we are checking off the list.

3) Life as I know it is officially about to rocked AGAIN! The big truth on this one I am scarred. TERRIFIED even, we had such a rough go of it especially with sleep with C (see sleep post here) and I am so scared of what is to come. I know its hard in the beginning but we are in such a great rhythm right now with everything and we are about to jack it all up AGAIN! Yes I know these are all phases and it doesn't last forever, but it doesn't make it any easier knowing this time how hard it is in the beginning. At least now there can alcohol!

4) Will there really be enough time in the day for two kids!? Can I be ENOUGH for two kids? You worry about being the mom who can not only do it all but be it all for them. I don't ever want them to feel like they are getting half a mommy, but I am terrified of dividing my time for them and making sure I am enough for them. I want to be able to do all the things I did for C, for the new baby. Yet I know it wont be the same and thats ok. We will have a new everyday to adjust too, both C and I.

5) It's all going to be ok! Ha! I know this is a pretty basic one, but truth is this little thought gets me though the anxiety that I have about it all. It will all be ok and we will all be ok. Time will help, and we will find our new normal. I'll look back and laugh at this one day, probably when prepping for number 3 (yes we want 3) when I am thinking omg we will be outnumbered, but at least I know in time we will adjust and it'll be ok.

XOXO

Bumpdate Week 35!

How far along: 35 Weeks! I like to do these as a recap for the week prior so I am currently 36 weeks, but this is my 35 week update! 
Gender: GIRL 
Baby Size: Coconut 
Maternity clothes: You bet ya, but starting to get frustrated with my lack of options these days. My belly is way different then it was with C, more pointy and straight out so not many shirts are flattering, just counting down the days now. 
Sleep: Not the most ideal sleep but I am making it work. 
What I am looking forward too:  Meeting our sweet girl and holding her in my arms. I am so ready for her to be out. 
What I miss: Not being so unbelievably uncomfortable lol
Cravings:  Nothing specific this week, although Steve had a craving for sushi and I was very jealous of what he got vs. what I got. Hahah 
Queasy or sick:  Nope! 
Best Moment of the week: My wonderful friends threw me a sprinkle and it was so delightful! I had so much fun and everyone was so generous. I felt every loved and enjoyed every minute of getting to hang out. I also got my last ultrasound this week and baby girl is measuring in the 55th percentile so right on average with big sister which is so exciting, everything looks good and we are getting more and more anxious to meet her. 

Here are a few photos from the sprinkle! 

Mama Got a Vacation!

Aloha, if you follow me on instagram then you know we are currently in Hawaii on a baby moon :-) with our peanut of course. But before I tell you about our family trip (separate post) I wanted to tell you about my moms trip. A few friends and I all went out to Palm Springs for a few days without the kiddos or hubbys. I was so nice to just hang by the pool have some girl chat and veg. We all never get to do that so it was a real treat. I must say one of the highlights of the trip had to be that when I called Steve one night he asked me how my trip was going, I replied with "Great super relaxing!" Now not to brag about my amazing husband, but man he deserves some super brownie points for his response he then goes "I am so glad babe you really needed that, I know you work hard but man being with C then past two days and doing everything you do, you're amazing and you totally deserved this break." I know he knows how hard it is to be home with a toddler all day, even while pregnant, but the fact that he said it made me feel like he really understood. It truly was so wonderful to hear! Love you babe! 

Heading out to dinner one night with these lovely mamas. 

We really had so much fun just talking and ordering yummy food.  Thanks for the trip ladies so happy we all did this together. I believe it should be a yearly occurrence. 

Smores before bed, yes please! I even stayed up till midnight Woah! 

Ok onto the trip, we really did just lay by the pool all day and hang. No diapers, no mommy do this, nobody to answer too was lovely and just what this tired pregnant mama needed. Now I am super lucky since I got a double dose and we are hanging in Hawaii as a family.

XOXO

Bumpdate Week 15

How far along: I plan to do these as a recap of the pervious week so this is my 15 week update, currently I'm 16 weeks! 

Gender: GIRL 

Baby Size: Navel Orange 

Maternity clothes: Oh yeah! We have a trip to Florida coming up and since it's also been 85 degrees here in California I ordered some maternity shorts. I guess we are skipping spring this year geeze. haha 

Sleep: Not bad actually, watch now that I've said that I'll never sleep again. I had horrible insomnia with C and was kind of expecting the same the second time around but I guess it's just anther one of those moments that proves every pregnancy is so different. 

What I am looking forward too: Feeling baby girl move! Yup still the same from last week although I am convinced I felt some flutters. I can't wait to really feel her squirm. 

What I miss: This is a tough one this week, but I would say sushi is pretty high on the list still. Why is it we always want what we can't have? 

Movement: Nothing yet, besides a few flutters here and there just nothing consistent. 

Cravings: I'm sure some of you saw on Instagram but I had a huge craving for raspberry sorbet the other night. It's so funny how a craving can just hit you all of a sudden and then boom that's the only thing you can think of until it's satisfied. Lucky for me I have a pretty super amazing husband who ran out and got me exactly what I wanted. Thanks again babe! 

Queasy or sick: This week wasn't so bad actually, I think I only got sick once which is a HUGE improvement for me. A few boughs of nausea but nothing compared to weeks prior, maybe I am finally moving past the super sick stage only time will tell. 

Best Moment of the week: Taking C to the dentist. Ha! So we were slacker parents and didn't take her to the dentist yet. We finally got our act together and she went for her first appointment yesterday, and can I brag about my kid for a minute she did AMAZING!!! She made it through the entire cleaning with no tears and got her whole mouth done while watching frozen of course. The best part was how proud she was of herself, she talked about it all last night. "Mommy the doctor cleaned my teeth and I  got strawberry toothpaste" It was the cutest thing EVER! A huge part of that was the office we went too, fantastic staff and so great with kiddos. 

XOXO

Watching her Grow Up

With every passing month I think it gets harder and harder to watch her grow up, as much as I want her to be independent when it happens it almost hurts a little. Its a bitter sweet thing watching them get older. She needs me a little less in certain ways, and all I can do is enjoy these moments as they happen. It's just so hard. I love it when her little personality comes though in everything she does (remind me of those words when she's a teenager). This chick is a lot like her mama, she knows what she wants, when she wants it, she looks at the word no as a challenge she's always willing to conquer and she loves with all her heart. 

Playing with her bestie the other day at one of there activities, these two love each other and it so sweet watching them grow up together. 

The other day we went to run some errands, we talked the whole time we were in target she gave me her opinion on certain items and attempted to convince me of things she needed. After our errands we got come lunch and headed to the park to have a picnic and play. She loved every moment, there were some big kids there she was desperately trying to hang with, running up to them introducing herself and scurrying right behind them. My little peanut is already wanting to be big. I wish there was a way to tell her to stay little forever but alas no mom before me has figured it out. Keep me posted if any of you do. 

Outfit picked out entirely by her, and no bow hence the wild hair. My favorite. 

For now I'll relish in the fact that I am her favorite person and enjoy this moment in time. 

XOXO

Grand Canyon

If you follow me on Instagram (@bumpsbabesandbellinis) then you know we headed out to the Grand Canyon for Steve's birthday trip this year. We had so much fun hanging out just the three of us and loved all the cold weather at the canyon. It was fun to be bundled up and not break a sweat, then once the sun went down it got too cold and we all turned into big babies. HaHa

The view were truly heath taking, I am so glad we went. We disused once the kids (and I say kids because one day we hope to have more, no I'm not telling you anything) are older we want to go back and do some hikes and explore more, it was a little hard this time around with peanut. 

Of course in true peanut form she fell asleep the minute I put her in the carrier and didn't see a whole lot of the Grand Canyon. Then I made a rookie mistake and tried to transfer her to the stroller thinking she'd be more comfortable in there, she only woke up and was super cranky then proceeded to have a full on MELTDOWN in the middle of the woods. Making memories right? 

Gotta love my husband for capturing her meltdown, and me now for sharing this moment with you guys. She was obsessed with the snow and kept calling each pile "snowman", I can only imagine she got that from frozen overload but I found it adorable. It also made me realize we will need to make a real snow trip this year. 

The driving was hard but C hung in there like a trooper, we probably won't be doing many road trips again for awhile, with as much as this kid flys its best to stick with what you know. Speaking of flying we are heading out soon yet again for my best friends wedding. I love being able to travel, but this month has been ALOT, we haven't been home for a weekend since the second week in October. So I'm looking forward to a nice week home soon. 

I love capturing moments of her just being herself, man I love this kid.

XOXO 

Clean Bambino Review and Special Offer

Now It's officially fall! With that being said it's back to school, making lunches, cleaning up after summer, all with a pumpkin spice latte in hand. Am I right? Just in time to get ready for the holidays that are right around the corner. 
A few weeks ago I was contacted by Clean Bambino to take a look at their service and maybe try it out. I was so excited to when I found out it was a mobile detailing service for strollers and car seats. Since we had C, basically I have been overly paranoid about our stroller and car seat being clean. You spend so much money on this things and they so easily get trashed. I've been saying do while now there should be a service that should clean them for you, because who wants to spend the better part of a Saturday deep cleaning kids stuff. 

Now with a toddler in tow who basically needs a snack if I want to run any errands, we've had cheddar bunnies, fruit snacks, tougher bites all sorts of things buried into our stroller. So when clean bambino contacted me, I immediately said to my husband "babe there's a mobile detailing service for our stroller and car seat, we HAVE to try it!" I contacted Michael right away and set up a appointment. He was so friendly and responded right away, he even accommodated my schedule when I couldn't make my original appointment.
When he came he had everything he needed to get our orbit baby stroller and car seat spotless. He even used honest company products and steam to get it all clean. I loved how thorough he was and his attention to detail was spectacular.
Here are our before and after photos. 

You see how the fabric is so dusty looking? I know wheels are going to get dirty, I mean they touch the floor but these are gross, then you put these ditty wheels back into the car! 

Same here, I wash this fabric take the car seat apart and vacuum, but there is still snack residue. 

Heres the stroller now, its so shiny. It's look brand new! He steamed cleaned all the fabric and polished the frame, I love love love how it turned out. 

Now this is spectacular, he got to every nook and cranny. This hasn't looked so clean in a while. It sparkles. 

He did all the prams and accessories too! 

Michel has offered a special for my readers. He's willing to do the basic cleaning for $30 and the detail for $60. Just mention Bumps Babes and Bellini's when booking! 

Side note, he also does car seat education and can check if you have your seat installed properly. 

This is totally something I'd love to do again in the future. I mean you clean your kids crib sheets and changing pads, why not the same for their car seats and strollers. I for one love clean stuff and making it easy, where mom doesn't have to do it, well that's just an added bonus. 

XOXO

Mama Monday | What Being a Girl Mom Means to Me

Mama Monday | What Being a Girl Mom Means to Me

I bet you didn't think you would get an extra mama Monday post did ya! Well I was thinking about how amazing this series has been, how many wonderful and insightful post my terrific and amazing mamas did for me, and I realized I needed to do one myself. So to end this beautiful series heres my post.

What being a girl mom means to me. 

Alright all my girl mommies this one is for you, since the moment I found out I was having a little girl so many things have been swirling around the ol' noodle. As a parent in general raising kiddos is hard on so many levels. As a girl mom, I personally know what she will go though and there are things I wanted to make sure I did right to set this sweet precious little lady up for greatness.

Don't be too obsessed with keeping up with the jones. 

Theres enough pressure out there in the world for her to feel, I don't want her to see her dad and I too focused on having the latest and greatest. It's not the things that make people happy it's the people using them. 

Loving myself 

I try so hard to catch myself on this one. I never want C to think that beauty is the most important thing. I want her to love who she is inside and out. So when I look in the mirror and make a face over my new zit that just appeared or I'm not happy with the number on the scale, she's watching. I don't want her to focus on those things, it's important she knows she's smart, funny and capable of all things.  

I want her too enjoy spending time alone when she gets older. 

I have seen far too many people not be ok with being alone. I want her know thats ok. You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. One of the BEST relationships you have as an adult is the one you have with yourself. 

Being a good example as a mother and spouse 

When the time comes a long long long time from now I hope I taught her to be a good wife and mother. I want her to be in a happy heathy relationship with someone who supports her and loves her unconditionally. I want her to be a mother, who understand the ups and down of motherhood but knows there is nothing like the love of your child. Much like the mother I had. 

Someone looks up to me, not just literally but figuratively too. Every move I make, she's watching me.  So most importantly remembering she wants to be just like me, and I hope the me I am is someone I want her to be. 

XOXO

Mama Mondays | Navigating Motherhood After a Loss

Mama Mondays | Navigating Motherhood After a Loss

Allison Gammel 

You know those long, exhausting days that annoy you so badly that you count down the minutes until you get to go to sleep so it can be over and tomorrow can be better? Try feeling that way for an entire year. That was my 2013, and it was epically bad for so many reasons—primarily losing our little one’s heartbeat 18 weeks 5 days into pregnancy.

Since this is post about everything that’s happened since that moment, the long version of our story, including the thoughts, prayers, and reactions to everything in real time, can be read HERE. 

If you’re a mom reading this and you don’t have time for that (because most of us don’t!) here is the Cliff’s Notes version:

In August of 2013, at 13-and-a-half weeks pregnant, we found out the baby had a chromosomal abnormality. Ten days later we learned it was Trisomy 18 and that most likely we wouldn’t carry to term. I was DEATHLY ill so we wrestled with the idea of ending the pregnancy for my health’s sake. In the end, I couldn’t play God so I endured the nausea and vomiting and carried the baby as long as I was called to do. Deacon Isaiah Gammel went back to heaven one day before we would have reached 19 weeks.

Let’s pick up here shall we.

I went through this big life event with hardly anyone to talk to since I was completely across the country from my family and friends. My friends didn’t know what to say or how to comfort me in my sadness, leading to even deeper sadness, which, you guessed it, pushed them further away. It became a vicious cycle. So instead, my friends became anger (why my baby?), jealousy (14 bazillion people I knew were pregnant), and sorrow (endless tears I felt guilty for crying as if it was a sign of weakness). I fell into full-blown post-partum depression for a couple of months, but thanks to a trusted, patient friend, who just happens to be a counselor; I was able to fight my way out.

In the midst of all this, we found out my husband had reached his career goal and we would be staying to live in the Phoenix/North Scottsdale area. I had to suck up my desire to be close to home and follow the head of our family out west, trusting it was for a reason I couldn’t see.

The first month in our new home, we conceived a new baby. But, here’s was happens when you miscarry before a healthy pregnancy—it breeds FEAR. Fear that you won’t ever get pregnant again, fear that will history will repeat itself, or fear that something new will be wrong. For some it’s brief thoughts that don’t linger too long and for others it’s uneasiness that lasts until the baby is in your arms. Even as we passed various tests and ultrasounds with positive results saying everything looked healthy, I still struggled with worry and anxiety. Not that every parent doesn’t worry about the health of their unborn child, but I do believe that if someone miscarries several times early on, or those who struggle for years with infertility, or who have had a still born, or lose a young infant, do battle against trepidation to a different degree. Think Charlotte from Sex and the City and her not wanting to run out of fear something could go wrong.

Our fear was lifted 38 weeks later, when we welcomed baby boy Sutton, whose gender was a surprise, into the world. He was perfectly healthy and an answer to our prayers. With his arrival into our family, I have used my story of loss to influence my life as a mom.

Let’s go back to the opening line about those long, infuriatingly bad days. Can we just talk about how some days we can feel like Supermom and others there aren’t enough cuss words in the world?! On those days, I go back to something I read during my depression that has stuck with me. I remember a friend of mine posting something along the lines of, “The car won’t start, the dryer is broken, and blah blah blah.” All I could think in that moment was, YOU HAVE TWO HEALTHY, BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN! STOP WHINING ABOUT STUPID STUFF! My second thought was,I pray to get back to the day when the trivial things are my biggest problems. And in time, I have. When the baby won’t stop fussing because he’s teething and it’s the cherry on top of the beyond-cluttered house, the broken fridge, and the whole bowl of whatever I just spilled everywhere, I am quickly reminded to put my frustration on the back burner and find thankfulness in the annoyances. I still get frustrated, it’s hard not to in our humanness, but after a little while, my memory of loss and suffering reshapes my outlook.

Most of all, what I went through helps me know what to say to others going through the experience. If your story is one of pregnancy or infant loss, I’m sure you can agree, you know people mean well when they say things like, “Everything happens for a reason…At least you can get pregnant…It will all make sense someday…Time erases pain.” It’s all very true, but in that moment, all you want to hear is, “That sucks. It just does. Want to cry together over bad movies and fattening food?” In the very early moments, words of embracing grief are more comforting than words of hope. Let them be sad, just don’t let them stay there.

I can look back now and recall how just after our miscarriage an acquaintance was telling me how similar his and his wife’s story was to ours. He said after their miscarriage they got pregnant within three months followed by something I will never forget: “It won’t make sense now, but whether you get pregnant again or not, all of this will become part of the path that you are meant to walk. We were blessed enough to have our son and now I can’t imagine any other child but him being mine. If we had that first baby, he wouldn't be here.”

It ended up being the truest statement. Even with the sadness that followed losing a baby, I look down at this little boy in my arms now and I have full confidence that Deacon went back to heaven because Sutton was designed to be here on earth with us. Most of the time, we don't really feel God working in the valleys of life , but His faithfulness is often clear when we look back. And if we hadn’t had another baby, it would have been just as true.

Our journeys to motherhood—be them our own pregnancies or adoption—are individually unique. Embrace yours boldly. Hug your children if you are blessed to have them. If you don’t, know your story is still unfolding. Keep the faith. You'll get back to the basic 'bad' days most of us have before you know it.

-Allison Gammel 

XOXO

Mama Mondays | My Battle with Breastfeeding

Mama Mondays | My Battle with Breastfeeding 

Cyrine Jones

It might have been the before and pregnancy fog I was on, but I had the perfect idea as to how everything was going to play out when it came to having a baby. I had a perfect birth plan in my head- my water will break on my due date, have a vaginal delivery after 10 pushes max, two day stay in the hospital, breastfeed for the first year, and live life happily ever after.

            Enter December 12, 2013, eight days prior to his due date, I was sitting at my weekly doctor’s appointment when my OB informed me that my water broke the day before (flashing back to the day prior, I thought the little episode was just some sort of a more than the normal leaking). Anyway, fast forward to 36 hours later, it was love at first sight, as I held him for the very first time while I lay on the operating table. From then on and for at least the next few hours, I was on a definite and unexplainable high. All I wanted to do was to hold him, kiss him, snuggle with him, and make up for the nine months of what I felt then to be our “lost time”. I was in a fog of just pure bliss until my new responsibility as a mom came knocking in a form of a lady in scrubs. I remember our nurse coming in and informing me that it was time to feed the baby. At that time, I did not think there was a process to breastfeeding but I followed along with her instructions. Step 1: She took the baby from me, handed him to my husband. Step 2: propped a pillow for back support, another pillow to cradle my left arm, another to cradle my right arm, and a couple in front to elevate Deacon high enough to be in-line with my nipples. I was looking forward to being able to breastfeed, this was our first bonding experience, and would be our routine bonding time.

For the first few hours, my milk supply was okay but in order to stimulate more milk production, the nurse brought in a hospital grade breast pump ordering me to pump every 3-4 hours right after every feeding. Not even twenty-four hours into Deacon’s birth, when the lab results started rolling in, we were told he has jaundice; jaundice is pretty much the yellow discoloration of the baby’s skin and eyes, which in our case is more prevalent because of my Asian genes. So because of this diagnosis, they, as in the doctor/nurse, immediately recommended to start him on formula, to flush the jaundice out “quicker” in addition to the phototherapy he was ordered to be on.

Right away I got upset, upset at myself for already causing this to my newborn and upset that I am not able to fulfill my plan to strictly breastfeed him for the first year of his life, mere hours in to his birth. But as a new momma bear, I had to accept and welcome it wholeheartedly because I was/am willing to do whatever is needed to be done to ease any pain for my new baby. So in the five day stay in the hospital, we had established a feeding routine; have him latch-on on both breasts then my husband will feed him 2oz of formula while I pump for the next 15 minutes. The same routine continued at home for the first two weeks. We had to get on a timeline of when to breastfeed, when to pump, how to pump after breastfeeding all the while he was attached to the home phototherapy kit, which made it awkward to physically breastfeed him. Feeling as if I was limiting his breastfeeding time so he still had room to take the formula afterwards, I finally decided to strictly breastfeed him during the day, and do the breast milk/formula combo at night. The plan worked up until we were diagnosed with “thrush”, mostly likely caused by the antibiotics I was prescribed to take for having C-section. Physically, it was hell on my breasts. If I wasn’t feeling the pain when I had Deacon latched-on where every suck equaled to what I felt was a stabbing nerve pain, it was the unbearable itching with what I felt had no relief or remedy regardless of how hard I scratched. The worst part was because of the thrush, he also developed severe diaper rash. Because of this diagnosis, we were advised to not have him latch on to my breast until the thrush was fully gone from both of us. At this time, I had to strictly pump and feed him breast milk via bottle, which thankfully he was already fully transitioned to since he was also on formula since day 1. Not only was it physically stressful on my newborn baby and myself but it also became an emotional burden to be a new mommy and not be able to give your 2-week old infant what they need, ie breast milk, and that I felt like I have inflicted pain on them now too. The length of recovery took a couple weeks and we had to get used to yet another feeding routine. I kept up with the pumping schedule and would bottle-feed him straight breast milk during the day and continued on with the breast milk/formula combo at night. The decision left me feeling very guilty and already a failure at being a new mom but at the time, I thought it was the best thing for me and for my newborn, or so according to our doctor. The plan on going back to our breastfeeding routine prior to having thrush fell apart. I think it was the convenience of not having to worry about having him latch-on, feed, and then pump afterwards, which can be hectic every 3-4 hours all day everyday. In all honesty, I got lazy on the job, relied on strictly pumping, and the convenience of bottle feeding might have contributed to my milk supply only lasting for 3 months. I felt guilty and was always seeking affirmation from other mom friends that what I was doing was okay. I was not putting to use what my breasts are truly designed for, not only did I feel like I was a failure as a mom already, but also as a woman where I felt incompetent in something that was supposed to be natural. I mean, women for generations breastfeed their babies, so why can’t I accomplish the same?

I learned to accept the reality that breastfeeding the first 3 months was going to be just fine. I had to realize that other kids grow up not even having a drop of breast milk in their systems and they end up healthy and productive people in our society. I think that was the biggest worry on my part, that if I don’t breastfeed Deacon, he won’t get the proper nutrients he needed and end up having a weak immune system, that he would develop a number of illness as he grows up and or end up not making the honor roll in high school that will get him a full scholarship to college and be the success I want him to be (yes, that’s how my brain works, and I’m sure I am not alone on this wild imagination filled with worries that I had/have). To this day, I feel a twinge of jealousy every time I see a mom breastfeeding their babies well beyond 3 month old; I applaud them for being strong willed and sticking with it for however long it takes. Bright side for me is I can hopefully redeem myself with the next kid, and with the knowledge I have gained through this experience, I feel like I am more than ready to tackle breastfeeding next time and hopefully I can successfully persevere longer than 3 months.

-Cyrine

XOXO