Last on the List

Lately I have been focusing on my mental health as much as I can. As a mama to two young babies under the age of four I tend to neglect myself quite a bit. So I made a list of five things that have helped me lately. I thought I would share for any mamas who may be feeling the same way. 

1) Wake up before the kids, this is a hard one. I don't always do it but when I do its the BEST. I get to drink my coffee while its hot and catch up on emails without someone climbing across my computer. I feel energized and more balanced then when I go get them I'm a happier mommy greeting them with a smile and June Cleaver good morning.  

2) Eat first. So my kiddos give me a run for my money when its comes to food. C is in a picky eater phase and O has never been a stellar eaten. Steve and I LOVE to eat so you can imagine my concern when I don't see my kids clearing their plates. I kept noticing how much anxiety I had during meal times focusing on the girls eating and trying to feed them as much as possible that I wasn't eating myself. So I changed that, and decided we can tackle feeding the girls after I feed myself. Changed my tune and calmed me down immediately. 

3) Self Care. This one is HUGE! The BEST gift you can give your children is a positive, happy and well taken care of mommy. That means we have to take the time to take care of ourselves and do something for US. So weather it's getting my nails done, a massage, a blowout or just laying down for a few while the kids nap it helps so much. I have to fill my bucket before I fill everyone else's. 

4) Let them work it out. With the girls being 3.5 and 1 they are now starting to have a little sibling rivalry. C doesn't always want to share with O and O is now finding her voice with big sis and telling her NO. Instead of running over at every little argument I'm trying to take a step back and let the girls work it out for themselves. We tell C if there is a toy she doesn't want to share with O (that is hers) she needs to put it away in her room, same goes for O. When I see them (well more like C) playing tug or war with a toy I try to see if they can work it out on their own without C acting too much like a bully. It helps my nerves a ton not always feeling the need to play referee. For the most part they figure it out on their own are back to hugging a giggling two minutes later. 

5) Do the parenting activities you love. This is a new one suggested to me by my therapist and I am so happy she did. When I am low on energy or just in a funk and I'm solo with the kiddos I am focusing on the things that I enjoy doing. Don't get my wrong my kids get plenty of uninterrupted child directed play, but when I am in the drivers seat it makes those parenting moments so much more enjoyable. So hide and seek and reading has been a great go to in the moment and they LOVE it! 

These 5 things help so much and they were so little and easy to implement. 

XOXO

Driving without headlights

So after a much needed break from the Blogger World I am back. Now I am sure many of you (that is if anyone even reads this) are wondering where the heck I have been. Well heres the situation...I am just going to rip off the bandaid here people. I was going though some postpartum anxiety and depression. Wow, that made it really real.

When O was about 4 months old I realized something just wasn't right. Have you ever been on the road at night when it's dark and you notice everything is pitch black and you can't really see where you're going until you finally realized "crap I have no headlights on?" That's kind of the feeling I've had since O was born I knew things weren't a hundred percent OK by the time she was about three months. I had the baby blues with my older daughter and after a few weeks it went away. Thinking it had a lot to do with the fact that I was sleep deprived and new mom but I was OK. This time around everything was so much different. I remember thinking "I shouldn't be this angry you're in the middle of one of the most joyous times in your life" and yet all I wanted to cry. I've never dealt with depression before but I knew I was off, and having gone to therapy since I was little because of my parents divorce I knew it was time to seek some help.

By the time I was four months postpartum O stopped sleeping through the night. When she would wake we were unable to soothe her screaming (nothing worked). On top of that she had stopped nursing, she gave up on me cold turkey so I was exclusively pumping for weeks which is oh so much fun (insert eye roll here). So not only was I getting little to no sleep, but I was grieving the loss of this bond I so desperately wanted. Then I noticed I was getting short tempered with my husband and with my three-year-old, which would turn into an overwhelming feeling of guilt that I was the shittiest mom on the planet.  I wasn't OK. Nothing was OK. I lied to myself and and to others on how I was doing. They'd ask how the girls were and how we were adjusting and I'd say "Great C loves O so much and she is such a great helper" but what I was really thinking was "I want to run away, this baby won't sleep and I can't catch a break, it all hurts and I can't stop crying" Everything was spiraling out of control I felt scared and unsure of what was going on and I couldn't understand why I couldn't shake this funk I was in.

Once I finally saw someone for what I now know was postpartum depression and anxiety I started feeling so much better. I talked about my fears, things I had been going through, I've been feeling anger, sadness, and loneliness, soul crushing guilt. By letting it all out I finally felt relief a sense of freedom finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I turned my headlights on. I've been going now once a week with no plans to stop. It's been one of the best things for me. 

At the time I started talking to someone I realized that I needed to take a break from blogging. I needed to take a break from anything that wasn't helping. It's not that I don't love blogging and or that I don't love sharing, but I just knew I needed to give my mind a break. I have sat down to write this post more times than I can count. Not really knowing what to say, not really knowing how I'd be judged, and not really knowing how anyone would react. Then I watched a documentary a few weeks ago it was amazing and eye-opening and I realized that by sharing my story and everything I've gone through over the past few months maybe I can help another mom out there who doesn't realize that this can be helped. You can fix it and you can overcome it! This isn't your new normal! This too shall pass. Seeking help and knowing somethings off is the first start. 1 in 7 women suffer from some form of postpartum anxiety or depression. Lets be there for each other. Lets share our stories! Lets normalize the issues. We could all use more shoulders to lean on. We are better moms when we take care of ourselves.  

Nursery Wish List with Baby Cubby

As a mom of now two little kiddos I thought it might be fun to share some things that get me though the day just a little easier. Some things I own personally and others, I wish I had! So I teamed up with baby cubby to make a nursery wish list for you. Here are a few must have items for the new mama! 

4Moms tub, We received this tub for baby O and I love it! We also have the 4Moms spout cover which we use for C. I love knowing the temperature for baby and making sure its just right. Having a baby tub that has one built in is a no brainer! 

4Moms breeze, When we received this pack-n-play for C the minute I opened it up I immediately understood why its called the breeze. I have attempted to use other brands before and let me tell you I am not kidding when I say attempted, I wasn't able to open the thing. That's what I LOVE about this is so easy to open and set up, it's truly a breeze. 

Baby Jogger City Mini GT Double, After testing many many doubles for Disney purposes of course this is the side by side double we chose to go with. I wanted something that was more rugged then our everyday Orbit Baby Double. We plan on using this when O is bigger and can sit up in it, I see many Disneyland trips with this in our future. 

Owlet Monitor,  I have to admit when I first saw this product I was a little hesitant because of the price but luckily my awesome in-laws got it for us as a gift for baby O and it could not be more perfect present for a new mommy! With C I worried a ton and was up at all hours of the night constantly making sure she was breathing. I literally did not relax every time we went to bed and I believe I barely slept for her whole first year of life, not to mention the fact that she struggled with sleep but that's another story. The owlet has been such a lifesaver as far as my sleep is concerned. The smart sock works just like the monitors in the hospital using pulse oximetry. It shows you via an app on your phone that she is breathing on her own, and what her heart rate is which allows me to know she is safe and happy in her bassinet. The best part of this is truly the app once we finally get up enough nerve to leave both girls with the sitter for a date night we can check on O from anywhere, for now we use it while we watch a movie in the living room and she sleeps in our bedroom. Ha! The piece of mind alone with her this wonderful little device has given us is worth the cost in my opinion. I highly recommend it, if you buy anything for your first, second, third, or eighth child it HAS to be this. It really has been such a blessing to get a good nights sleep and know that the owlet will go off if God for bid there's a problem. It took us a little while to get the hang of it and make sure we had everything positioned just right so we weren't getting false alarms, but once we figured it all out it's been a breeze. Putting it on every night and knowing that if I want to check on her all I do is look at the base station on my nightstand and see the green light glowing and I know she's OK. 


Skip Hop Chelsea Downtown Chic Backpack, I love this diaper bag. I use it daily, I love using a backpack especially while chasing a toddler and needing both hands and to be honest you can't beat the price. It has tons of storage in it as well as pockets galore. Which is great being that it may be only of the only organized things I own currently. 

ErgoBaby Adapt 3 Position Child Carrier This carrier is fantastic you no longer need the infant insert if you have this one! Which is amazing since the last thing you need is anther thing to tote around with you. It works for babies as little as 7 lbs, so you can start using it immediately. I love baby wearing my littles so this is a must for every new mama, not to mention that ergo is always my go to since its the most comfortable for babies hips. 

I really enjoyed looking around Baby Cubbys site. I love how they carry most of my favorite brands and searching for items on there was super easy. They have a great selection of items including some stuff for mom as well. It's always great finding a one stop shop especially when it comes to everything kiddo related. For moms local the store even offers drive up ordering, how cool is that!  Happy Shopping! 

*This is a Sponsored post but all thoughts and options are my own

A Letter to my Daughter on her first day of Preschool

Dear sweet child of mine,

Today you start your first week of preschool.  Today we drop you off for the very first time with someone else in someone else's care and walk away. I have been with you side-by-side almost every day of your 2 1/2 years of life. I've watched you grow into a strong, smart, fun, intelligent,  adorable little girl and now I have to let you go into the world. You are going to learn so much sweet girl while you're away at school. There will be tears from mommy too, but know you will be ok. I am so excited for all that you are about to learn, the friends you're about to meet and the memories you're about to make. 

Even though you are so small I have a few words of wisdom for you. Well I'll go ahead and call them words of wisdom hopefully you see it that way. Lol

Never stop exploring the world through the wonder in your eyes. Pick up the bug, get messy, play in the dirt enjoy every nook and cranny that the world has to offer but stay safe 😉

Stay kind, you are such a sweet and loving little girl. Remember that when someone falls on the playground, put your hand out and help them. 

Be patient I know this is hard coming from mommy,  as you have seen firsthand how impatient I can be. Be as patient as possible let things happen around you and enjoy the moment. 

You are one of the most strong willed people I know and as difficult as it is for me to get you to eat your breakfast in the morning I hope you maintain that as you go out into the world. You  know exactly what you want and exactly when you want it.  That is a quality to be admired you have the ability to be a great leader and I can't wait to see how it develops in the future.

Today you gave me the biggest hug and told me you loved me. As  I walked away I saw your eyes look around on the playground wondering where I went. Mommy always comes back sweetheart, have so much fun today! I will miss you terribly and daddy and I will be counting down the hours until we get to pick you up. So have fun, relax and enjoy your new found freedom you're gonna love it!

Love you,
Xoxo
Mommy 

O Newborn Shoot

When it comes to newborn photos O could not be more different from big sister C. C's photos maybe took close to 6 hours while O was done in a few hours with minimal crying and calming. O is also pretty much a chill baby and we are very lucky to have one of those. Things over here have still been crazy with two kiddos and all but I am so grateful each and everyday for my adorable girls. So here are a few favorites from our sweet girls photo shoot. Thank you again to Amanda from April Smith Photography, she goes above and beyond for our little family and we just love taking pictures with her. 

Headbands | Jammies 

C did amazing during photos and just loved having her picture taken. She was also beyond sweet to O which made us so happy. 

Best picture! 

Loves of my life

O Headband | Swaddle 

O Headband

 My favorite photo! 

Girls Headbands | Cs Dress old similar here 

O Headband 

If you know me well you know we are huge Disney and Harry Potter fans so this picture was a must. Can't wait for the girls to be old enough so I can read these to them. 

XOXO

Hollins Party of 4!

Well I am back, after a few week break from blogging I am back at it albeit with a newborn on my lap in bed with pjs on but still back! On July 21st our lives changed forever we welcomed our sweet little O into the world at 8:02 am weighing 8 lbs 2 ozs and 21 inches long. I had a scheduled C section, for medical reasons and delivered her at 39 weeks to the day. Leading up to her delivery I was on fetal monitoring twice a week, her movement was't very strong the last few weeks, my blood pressure was a little high and my swelling was a little out of control so we opted rather to be safe then sorry. With all that being said I was very happy to have made it to her scheduled date! Going into surgery awake is such a surreal experience, I had an emergency C section with C so this time around was even more surreal, I walked into the OR lol. All and all it was a very easy experience my OB had music going and we chatted the whole time, mainly her making jokes that we need to have one more baby haha. O had some fluid in her lungs when she was born and her breathing wasn't quite right, so I got my golden hour but after that she was swept away into monitoring for almost 5 hours with daddy by her side. It was really hard having her taken so early but I was getting pictures and video of her from Steve the whole time. My milk took a while to come in and we had some weight gain issues in the beginning, but It looks like we are back on track now. We have another appointment with the pediatrician on Thursday and I am eager to see how much our little jelly bean weights. 

We have been in pure baby heaven, C is absolutely in love with her baby sister and wants to help me with everything she can. It is the most adorable thing to watch we love seeing how sweet she is to her sister she loves to come up to her and go "mommy she's so beautiful and tiny" melts my heart every time.  Since we have been home we have constant help first from my mom for 2 weeks then my in-laws for a week. Now we are officially alone as a family of four and adjusting well I think although its been 12 hours :-)

Family of 4! 

2 Weeks with 2 kiddos I can't believe it, Love our girls so much. 

Well thats all for a quick check in for now, I am back to dirty diapers, spit up and nursing. 

XOXO 

Bumpdate Week 37!

How far along: 37 Weeks! I like to do these as a recap for the week prior so I am currently 38 weeks, but this is my 37 week update! 
Gender: GIRL 
Baby Size: Swiss Chard 
Maternity clothes: YUP! 
Sleep: Eh, I sleep but not well I just can't get comfortable so its hard sleep on and off oh well let the no sleeping begin. 
What I am looking forward too: Having her OUT!!! I am done being pregnant, I am ready to hold my little girl and have these two sisters meet. I can't wait to see Cs face when she meets her sister for the first time. All of that and my mom being here I can't wait! Two whole weeks with my mama, C is going to be the happiest kid in town.
What I miss: All the foods not being cranky and uncomfortable and in pain. The list goes on and on. 
Cravings: Sushi, Wine, cold cuts etc. 
Queasy or sick:  Nope! 
Best Moment of the week: C randomly comes up to me every few days or hours and kisses my belly then goes "I love you so much baby sister" It makes me melt literally every time. I do wonder if she'll feel the same way once sister arrives but it has totally been the highlight of my days with her lately. 

XOXO

Maternity Pictures!

A few weeks ago we had some maternity photos taken, we went to the beach and it was pretty casual.We had so much fun and got some amazing shots of our growing family. I could not be happier with how they turned out, C was so sweet although she did have a melt down when it was mommies turn to take photos. Haha Thank you again to Amanda from April Smith Photography, she's the BEST and has been capturing our family since we moved here 4 years ago! 

My Dress | Steves Shirt | Cs Dress old but similar here and here

This is such a amazing time in our life and I am so happy we got to capture it, we will cherish these photos forever. 

XOXO

5 Real Truths about Baby Number 2

Hi all! So as the time comes closer and closer to meeting our sweet girl I have had a swirling emotions running though me. Of course I know I am not alone when I say so many things come into play when you decide to expand your family. So thought I would write it all out here so any other mamas feeling like this know you're not alone.

1) How is C really going to react? We have done all we could to "prepare" her for her upcoming bomb thats about to hit her life, but I keep wondering how is she really going to take it? Truth be told this kid is very sensitive and in tune with her emotions, I just hope we have built up her emotional vocabulary enough for her to tell me if she's ok. Her world as she knows it is about to basically explode and I worry that she'll have a hard time or feel displaced. Of course we plan to do everything in our power to help, but we can't make it perfect.

2) My baby isn't the baby anymore. Sure I know she's a big kid, but truth is she'll always be my baby. She's the one that made me a mommy and now with her becoming a big sister it makes her more  grown up then ever. Her vocabulary is AMAZING and I forget all the time that she's just TWO! She understands so much and we can have full on conversations and talk almost like friends. I know she will need me in other ways as time goes on, but it's bittersweet to think this is yet anther stage we are checking off the list.

3) Life as I know it is officially about to rocked AGAIN! The big truth on this one I am scarred. TERRIFIED even, we had such a rough go of it especially with sleep with C (see sleep post here) and I am so scared of what is to come. I know its hard in the beginning but we are in such a great rhythm right now with everything and we are about to jack it all up AGAIN! Yes I know these are all phases and it doesn't last forever, but it doesn't make it any easier knowing this time how hard it is in the beginning. At least now there can alcohol!

4) Will there really be enough time in the day for two kids!? Can I be ENOUGH for two kids? You worry about being the mom who can not only do it all but be it all for them. I don't ever want them to feel like they are getting half a mommy, but I am terrified of dividing my time for them and making sure I am enough for them. I want to be able to do all the things I did for C, for the new baby. Yet I know it wont be the same and thats ok. We will have a new everyday to adjust too, both C and I.

5) It's all going to be ok! Ha! I know this is a pretty basic one, but truth is this little thought gets me though the anxiety that I have about it all. It will all be ok and we will all be ok. Time will help, and we will find our new normal. I'll look back and laugh at this one day, probably when prepping for number 3 (yes we want 3) when I am thinking omg we will be outnumbered, but at least I know in time we will adjust and it'll be ok.

XOXO

Bumpdate Week 36!

How far along: 36 Weeks! I like to do these as a recap for the week prior so I am currently 37 weeks, but this is my 36 week update! 
Gender: GIRL 
Baby Size: Honeydew
Maternity clothes: YUP! 
Sleep: Eh, still sleeping but its so hard I am beyond uncomfortable and ready to be able to sleep normal again, well I guess as  normal as you can with a newborn. 
What I am looking forward too: Getting this kid OUT and not being so cranky and impatient all the time. I am at that point in the pregnancy where I want to explode with frustration. I am not kidding, everything and everyone annoy the crap out of me. I have the patience of a fruit fly and I am so swollen I look like Violet from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory after she ate the gum minus being blue. I feel like I can't be the mom I want to be right now because of how cranky I am so I am overcome with guilt and emotions about the new baby (post on this coming Monday) and I very badly need a BOTTLE of wine. So what am I looking forward too you ask? Being myself again, well a milk covered, sleep deprived, un-showered version of me at least. 
What I miss: See above!
Cravings: Sushi, Wine, cold cuts etc. 
Queasy or sick:  Nope! 
Best Moment of the week: We had a really fun 4th of July with friends hanging out and grilling. C played in the pool pretty much the whole time and loved playing with all her friends. My little social butterfly talked about it for days, and having daddy home for 3 days is always a huge plus! I am getting more and more excited about doing all these things with baby sister. 

XOXO

Bumpdate Week 35!

How far along: 35 Weeks! I like to do these as a recap for the week prior so I am currently 36 weeks, but this is my 35 week update! 
Gender: GIRL 
Baby Size: Coconut 
Maternity clothes: You bet ya, but starting to get frustrated with my lack of options these days. My belly is way different then it was with C, more pointy and straight out so not many shirts are flattering, just counting down the days now. 
Sleep: Not the most ideal sleep but I am making it work. 
What I am looking forward too:  Meeting our sweet girl and holding her in my arms. I am so ready for her to be out. 
What I miss: Not being so unbelievably uncomfortable lol
Cravings:  Nothing specific this week, although Steve had a craving for sushi and I was very jealous of what he got vs. what I got. Hahah 
Queasy or sick:  Nope! 
Best Moment of the week: My wonderful friends threw me a sprinkle and it was so delightful! I had so much fun and everyone was so generous. I felt every loved and enjoyed every minute of getting to hang out. I also got my last ultrasound this week and baby girl is measuring in the 55th percentile so right on average with big sister which is so exciting, everything looks good and we are getting more and more anxious to meet her. 

Here are a few photos from the sprinkle! 

Bumpdate Week 34!

How far along: 34 Weeks! I like to do these as a recap for the week prior so I can currently 35 weeks, but this is my 34 week update! 
Gender: GIRL 
Baby Size: Cantaloupe 
Maternity clothes: Oh yes! Mainly maternity tanks and kimonos with shorts. 
Sleep: Better but still not great, but I suppose it's better then whats to come with a newborn hahah. 
What I am looking forward too:  The heat wave being over, or summer for that matter. Lucky me we are just entering the hot season here and it's been brutal. I can't cool off. 
What I miss: Not being super crazy swollen, and wine of course. 
Cravings:  Chocolate lately actually yumm! 
Queasy or sick:  Nope! 
Best Moment of the week:  Celebrating Fathers Day with my adorable little family. We took C to see Finding Dory and hung out at the pool. We had a great day celebrating the man we love! 

XOXO

Bumpdate 32 & 33 Weeks

How far along: 32 & 33 Weeks! 
Gender: GIRL 
Baby Size: Squash & Pineapple 
Maternity clothes:  Yup and for theses two weeks maternity swimsuits and cover ups too! 
Sleep: Eh, it was better but we were away and crazy busy. I still woke multiple times to pee but I was so exhausted from our days that I would pass out right after. 
What I am looking forward too:  GETTING THIS BABY OUT! 
What I miss: Fitting into some of my shoes and not feeling like a huge whale. 
Cravings:  Cold, things. Ice, Ice cream, sitting in a walk in freezer in a bikini. You know normal things when you are hormonal and its a million degrees. 
Queasy or sick: Not really but I had a lovely bought with allergies and it so doesn't help when you cant take anything. 
Best Moment of the week: Going to beautiful Aulani with my adorable family of course! Watching C have the time of life was the best baby moon present I could have asked for. We felt so lucky that we got to go on one more vacation just the three of us before baby sister arrives. I know C for sure appreciated all the one on one time wth mommy and daddy uninterrupted. 

xoxo

Aulani!

Our view from the 16th floor when we got off the elevators. 

This was on the bed when we checked in C loved it and then wanted to wear her "flower clip" the whole trip. 

Aloha! Well if you follow in on Instagram you know we just got back from an epic week in Aulani! We had the absolute BEST time seriously I cannot say that enough. We are already trying to decide when to take our next trip back. The whole resort was so luxurious and the staff was beyond accommodating. They were over the top delightful as most Disney cast members are and so sweet with C it was really great. Next time when we go back we plan to take advantage of Auntys beach house, C was just too little this time around but we got to go in a play one morning and she had a blast. On Tuesday we got to do the character breakfast which was not only delicious but so much fun, she took pictures with Mickey when we first walked in, then Minnie and Goofy were walking around. Then throughout the whole week there were characters all around the pool and lazy river, we met Donald and Stitch and saw Chip and Dale a few times.

Playing on the beach during the toddler time splash and play. 

Meeting vacation Donald. 

Doing the Menehune Adventure trail, she loved the "Magic" of it all. 

My favorite photo of the trip! 

Hanging with Stitch! 

Luckily we were also across the street from a shopping center so we were able to walk over and get coffee, cereal and fruit for the room. That was so nice and we saved some money on breakfast too! There was also a few yummy spots to eat over there, Monkeypod was AMAZING and I highly recommend it if you are staying in the area. Then we went over to pizza corner, Steve had poke pizza which looked amazing. He loved it! The fish I had while we were there was beyond fresh, but I plan on not being pregnant next time so I can partake in the poke and sashimi too haha.
The food at the resort was so delicious, we had fabulous meals. Everything was so fresh and prepared so well. They also had refillable drink cups that we purchased in the beginning of the trip and we were able to get coffee, tea, and soft drinks all week. There is shaved ice and dole whips on premises! Score! We had a rental car for a day and made our way to the dole plantation which was pretty cool, C loved looking for the pineapples. Then we headed over to Waikiki, it was crazy crowded so we just took in the beautiful scenery and then headed back to the hotel, since C fell asleep on the drive.

 

She insisted on taking this photo like this too cute! 

Aunties Beach house 

Another photo shoot she insisted on on our balcony. 

Pool party with Goofy 

A view from lunch at the Ama Ama 

Splash pad! 

Dole whip at the store across the street, oh my god so yummy. 

All and all it was the perfect family vacation and a great way to get away just the three of us before baby sister arrives. We are so lucky Hawaii is so close 5 hour plane ride it nothing for this kid, since she's so used to flying to the east coast. Steve and I joke that it will become our go to destination for while when the kids are young and you bet Aulani will be repeat. If you are looking for the perfect family friendly destination then please consider Aulani, you will love it I promise! 

XOXO