Mama Mondays | My Battle with Breastfeeding

Mama Mondays | My Battle with Breastfeeding 

Cyrine Jones

It might have been the before and pregnancy fog I was on, but I had the perfect idea as to how everything was going to play out when it came to having a baby. I had a perfect birth plan in my head- my water will break on my due date, have a vaginal delivery after 10 pushes max, two day stay in the hospital, breastfeed for the first year, and live life happily ever after.

            Enter December 12, 2013, eight days prior to his due date, I was sitting at my weekly doctor’s appointment when my OB informed me that my water broke the day before (flashing back to the day prior, I thought the little episode was just some sort of a more than the normal leaking). Anyway, fast forward to 36 hours later, it was love at first sight, as I held him for the very first time while I lay on the operating table. From then on and for at least the next few hours, I was on a definite and unexplainable high. All I wanted to do was to hold him, kiss him, snuggle with him, and make up for the nine months of what I felt then to be our “lost time”. I was in a fog of just pure bliss until my new responsibility as a mom came knocking in a form of a lady in scrubs. I remember our nurse coming in and informing me that it was time to feed the baby. At that time, I did not think there was a process to breastfeeding but I followed along with her instructions. Step 1: She took the baby from me, handed him to my husband. Step 2: propped a pillow for back support, another pillow to cradle my left arm, another to cradle my right arm, and a couple in front to elevate Deacon high enough to be in-line with my nipples. I was looking forward to being able to breastfeed, this was our first bonding experience, and would be our routine bonding time.

For the first few hours, my milk supply was okay but in order to stimulate more milk production, the nurse brought in a hospital grade breast pump ordering me to pump every 3-4 hours right after every feeding. Not even twenty-four hours into Deacon’s birth, when the lab results started rolling in, we were told he has jaundice; jaundice is pretty much the yellow discoloration of the baby’s skin and eyes, which in our case is more prevalent because of my Asian genes. So because of this diagnosis, they, as in the doctor/nurse, immediately recommended to start him on formula, to flush the jaundice out “quicker” in addition to the phototherapy he was ordered to be on.

Right away I got upset, upset at myself for already causing this to my newborn and upset that I am not able to fulfill my plan to strictly breastfeed him for the first year of his life, mere hours in to his birth. But as a new momma bear, I had to accept and welcome it wholeheartedly because I was/am willing to do whatever is needed to be done to ease any pain for my new baby. So in the five day stay in the hospital, we had established a feeding routine; have him latch-on on both breasts then my husband will feed him 2oz of formula while I pump for the next 15 minutes. The same routine continued at home for the first two weeks. We had to get on a timeline of when to breastfeed, when to pump, how to pump after breastfeeding all the while he was attached to the home phototherapy kit, which made it awkward to physically breastfeed him. Feeling as if I was limiting his breastfeeding time so he still had room to take the formula afterwards, I finally decided to strictly breastfeed him during the day, and do the breast milk/formula combo at night. The plan worked up until we were diagnosed with “thrush”, mostly likely caused by the antibiotics I was prescribed to take for having C-section. Physically, it was hell on my breasts. If I wasn’t feeling the pain when I had Deacon latched-on where every suck equaled to what I felt was a stabbing nerve pain, it was the unbearable itching with what I felt had no relief or remedy regardless of how hard I scratched. The worst part was because of the thrush, he also developed severe diaper rash. Because of this diagnosis, we were advised to not have him latch on to my breast until the thrush was fully gone from both of us. At this time, I had to strictly pump and feed him breast milk via bottle, which thankfully he was already fully transitioned to since he was also on formula since day 1. Not only was it physically stressful on my newborn baby and myself but it also became an emotional burden to be a new mommy and not be able to give your 2-week old infant what they need, ie breast milk, and that I felt like I have inflicted pain on them now too. The length of recovery took a couple weeks and we had to get used to yet another feeding routine. I kept up with the pumping schedule and would bottle-feed him straight breast milk during the day and continued on with the breast milk/formula combo at night. The decision left me feeling very guilty and already a failure at being a new mom but at the time, I thought it was the best thing for me and for my newborn, or so according to our doctor. The plan on going back to our breastfeeding routine prior to having thrush fell apart. I think it was the convenience of not having to worry about having him latch-on, feed, and then pump afterwards, which can be hectic every 3-4 hours all day everyday. In all honesty, I got lazy on the job, relied on strictly pumping, and the convenience of bottle feeding might have contributed to my milk supply only lasting for 3 months. I felt guilty and was always seeking affirmation from other mom friends that what I was doing was okay. I was not putting to use what my breasts are truly designed for, not only did I feel like I was a failure as a mom already, but also as a woman where I felt incompetent in something that was supposed to be natural. I mean, women for generations breastfeed their babies, so why can’t I accomplish the same?

I learned to accept the reality that breastfeeding the first 3 months was going to be just fine. I had to realize that other kids grow up not even having a drop of breast milk in their systems and they end up healthy and productive people in our society. I think that was the biggest worry on my part, that if I don’t breastfeed Deacon, he won’t get the proper nutrients he needed and end up having a weak immune system, that he would develop a number of illness as he grows up and or end up not making the honor roll in high school that will get him a full scholarship to college and be the success I want him to be (yes, that’s how my brain works, and I’m sure I am not alone on this wild imagination filled with worries that I had/have). To this day, I feel a twinge of jealousy every time I see a mom breastfeeding their babies well beyond 3 month old; I applaud them for being strong willed and sticking with it for however long it takes. Bright side for me is I can hopefully redeem myself with the next kid, and with the knowledge I have gained through this experience, I feel like I am more than ready to tackle breastfeeding next time and hopefully I can successfully persevere longer than 3 months.

-Cyrine

XOXO